Parents and Children
I work
with elementary school-age children, teens, and the families that shape their
development. Your child's psychological health comprises four "domains":
school,
peers, family, and community. Since children and teens operate
on a different psychological level than adults, it is especially
important to consider behavior as their primary means of communication in each of these areas.
Kids have different priorities than adults, have a harder time making transitions, struggle with feeling powerless, and have varying degrees of self-discipline. They can only respond to so many orders before they shut down or act out.
According to The Parent’s Handbook, there are four goals to misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, or sympathy. Each of these is enacted in a particular way. Children seek attention in order to feel that they belong. When a child needs to have a sense of control, he or she will seek power. Revenge is taken on a parent who has hurt the child, and displays of inadequacy are bids for a sympathetic response.
Behaviors often look similar, but your own emotional response can provide clues to their motivation. For example, attention-seeking may trigger your irritation, whereas full-blown anger is often a response to a power play. If you feel hurt, your child is likely out for revenge. And if he or she is claiming helplessness, your may notice your own feelings of inadequacy. Armed with this kind of knowledge, it is easier to address misbehavior in positive ways.
When children do not respond to a parent's interventions, it may be time to seek outside help. Likewise if there are seemingly intractable problems in school or in their social spheres, and certainly if they have had traumatic experiences, therapy can provide workable, long-term solutions.
Kids have different priorities than adults, have a harder time making transitions, struggle with feeling powerless, and have varying degrees of self-discipline. They can only respond to so many orders before they shut down or act out.
According to The Parent’s Handbook, there are four goals to misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, or sympathy. Each of these is enacted in a particular way. Children seek attention in order to feel that they belong. When a child needs to have a sense of control, he or she will seek power. Revenge is taken on a parent who has hurt the child, and displays of inadequacy are bids for a sympathetic response.
Behaviors often look similar, but your own emotional response can provide clues to their motivation. For example, attention-seeking may trigger your irritation, whereas full-blown anger is often a response to a power play. If you feel hurt, your child is likely out for revenge. And if he or she is claiming helplessness, your may notice your own feelings of inadequacy. Armed with this kind of knowledge, it is easier to address misbehavior in positive ways.
When children do not respond to a parent's interventions, it may be time to seek outside help. Likewise if there are seemingly intractable problems in school or in their social spheres, and certainly if they have had traumatic experiences, therapy can provide workable, long-term solutions.