Stepparenting and Blended Families

There are unique challenges that come with remarriage, and never more so than when there are children involved. Blending two families means new adaptations to previously existing family cultures, schedules, rules, expectations, finances, and much more. The excitement of a new marriage may not extend to the children, who are at the same time dealing with aftereffects of their parents' divorce or the death of a parent. Children often struggle with conflicting loyalties and that may translate into resentment of their new stepparent. New siblings create new sibling rivalries. Power plays emerge. And frequently, the expectation that we will all bond and love one another from the get-go turns out to be a recipe for disappointment.

Setting the stage for a smooth transition to the new family arrangement will help mitigate or even eliminate these difficulties. Focusing on behaviors over feelings, especially at first, lays the groundwork for mutual respect, and attachment often follows. Giving space and time to allow warmth to develop takes patience. Important also is being on the same page as parents, as equal authority figures.

Of course, each family is unique. Children's ages and genders, the adults' previous parenting experience, individual temperaments, all combine to present a constellation of challenges and strengths. Working either as a couple or with the family together in therapy can help identify these what works and what doesn't, and create a functional, respectful, and loving new family.